so now....

i have been in the city of angles for 3 weeks now. i haven't gone out much mostly due to me not really wanting to do so. i have traveled around some of the city and seen MANY A THINGS. i am a bit more settled as my computer has arrived. i have most of my basics so i'm doing good. my roommate is awesome, btw.

classes have been fantastic. i have been laughing and learning. it has been all i imagined it would be. the offices are on hollywood blvd which should tell you that every sunday is a funday. you never know what you'll see. i have seen a few celebrities but i have heard that's kinda the norm out here.

here are a few things i have learned in my short time here.
1: nobody blinks at the "crazies". in nyc, if a person suddenly goes/acts crazy, folks will acknowledge it and perhaps distance themselves or cast judgement by headshaking or comments. lemme site this example. i'm in a walmart standing in line for what seemed all day. a lady to my 9 o'clock, who had been standing in a waiting area near us, proceeds to sit in the "bagging area" of a closed checkout line and begins to talk aloud and seemingly argue with "something". no one blinked or was startled. no faces of disdain or comments. NOTHING. i'm thinking, "i know i'm not the only person here that sees this crazy lady." apparently i was.

2: everybody is on the hustle. i cannot tell you how many times a headnod/hello/ acknowledgment was followed with, " i got________." fill the blank with whatever you like. i can say this, i know where to get my movies, socks, phone accessories, smell goods, weed and/or new music within blocks of my house.

3: you just might wanna learn spanish. i think that's self explanatory

4: dora the explorer is real. i sat behind her last week. she was sporting an umbrella and backpack with her face on it.

5: speaking of, i also rode with jesus. not euro-jesus. but cool black dude with graying hair to his shoulders and a mean walk. so yes joan, god is one of us.

6:dogs are like smartphones. er'body got one.

that's it so far. there's probably more but they escape me. it has been fun seeing places that were mentioned in some of my favorite songs. this city is interesting and i plan to learn more.

Ok already.....

welp. it has obviously been a minute and quite a few things have transpired. i'll go through things in no particular order. i assume the folks who read this are smart and will piece it all together.

i type this from a house in los angeles. that's right, california. i'm here on official business. my life. i am currently taking improv classes with second city. who are they? do your wikipedia and we'll come back to that. well then that leaves the reason. a few months ago, prompted by a variety of events (none tragic), i began to seriously consider what i was doing with my life. thoughts of where'd i been, what will i do next, etc. i considered that i had been writing most of my life, in some form or fashion. i knew that a regular job would be ok but not completely fulfilling. in the lou, i had taken some improv and comedy sketch writing classes. i stumbled upon the second city website and realized that in less than 3 months they were hosting their next round of classes. it has been a "secret" dream of mine to be a member of such an established company. so i intended to save up the funds and follow a dream.

now, as any person over the age of birth will tell you, life does not always work out as planned. i had a bad habit of telling people my plans and not following through. and when reminded of said failed plans, it would pang twice. once, for not supporting my own plan through deeds. twice, for being reminded. so, as i will gladly tell anyone who asks, i decided to conduct an experiment on myself. i do this often to find what works, what i like, what my tolerance is.... i felt that if i didn't tell anyone, till i was near my goal, that maybe it would work.

so here comes the beginning of october and i have half the monies raised. when i originally thought of the plan, i didn't completely think about the hows. i just KNEW that i was gonna make it out there for these classes. it was my intention.

(que music)...and then the most amazing thing happened. i started telling people of my plans. i even was told it was "the word on the street" (shrug). but after spreading the word to friends and family of my plans and situation, EVERYONE chipped in to fulfill what was lacking - in funds, lodging, resources, etc. i am admittedly a prideful man. i aim to be completely self sufficient but i needed help....and i got it. i went from an idea to lodging, enough monies, resources and relative contacts and blessings. i can say my peoples were sad to see me go (they said so) but without these same people, none of this would've been possible.

so if i haven't said it enough, thank you. seriously, whether in deed or spirit, it means ALOT to me to be supported and appreciated.

through the looking glass

i used to consider myself a private person. i grew up an only child for 9 years and it stuck with me. i enjoy doing things on the solo for many reasons. eventually, everyone has to deal with others and i did. and sometimes i regret it.

one of the main reasons i continue to enjoy solitude, to a degree, is because humans are funny. not ha ha funny, but wtf funny. for instance, i don't like/try not to tell my life story and history in detail bc it had been my experience that the same folks you tell in assured confidence can use this same information to make you feel/seem lees than you are. the interesting part is that it's usually the same individuals who scratch and claw to get these details or they too have a not-so-proud background. it's that moment where you think, " this is why i don't be tellin you shit in the first place." i really do fight the urge to say something hurtful in return because i know they wouldn't be able to handle it. see i know that people will always see you how they want despite your constant evolution. if you were a thief in the past, you'll be seen as a thief anytime something comes up missing. if you cheated, no one will ever believe you can have a successful relationship...etc

i am going to conduct an experiment to test out a theory. i won't tell you what it is because if you're reading this you may or may not be part of said test. what i will say is this, i will report back my findings soon as i have enough data....and some folks are gonna be pissed...at themselves.

2:52am.....

i hope that whomever reads this will pardon my state of mind. i am currently landing the plane. in other words, coming down from an alcohol and music based high. there are quite a few thoughts running through my head and i might not sound coherent. so thank you for bearing with me.

i'm at that point again. boredom. but not necessarily in the technical sense. for instance, work is beginning to feel like work. it's similar to when the relationship exits the honeymoon phase and begins to get real.(Next on the Real World....)No worries though, I'll be speaking to my folks tomorrow morning, fer shizzle.

i'm at that point again. i think i'm ready to open myself to being in a committed relationship. but here's the catch...(bc for the women i've dated, unfortunately, there's always a catch. shouldn't be, but it was. My apologies, i didn't realize it until hindsight)I want something new yet familiar. (WTF!?!?!?) i know, i know. See, i'm normally a patient man. but like everyone else, i don't want to spend the time to learn a woman...only to learn we're not compatible. this time, i'm speaking of, can last from months to years. Thanks to the universe, i've been in easy breezy relationships as i grew to know her. this has spoiled me. i despise fights and heated disagreements. so i want easy...bc not only is it possible but its better this way. but there is no guarantee that this will happen with the next woman.

i'm at that point where putting on the face and being nice to muhfuggas who don't REALLY give a shit about you is worn. i somehow forgot that self "preservation" is the first law...and that co-workers will do what's in their best interest even while smiling in your face and appearing to be cool/in your corner. (You big dummy.)

I'm at that point where drugs don't help me anymore.

i'm at that point where things are getting old and i can currently see no new. i'm changing...yet i feel people around me expect the same.

i'm at that point where i need to go within but i can't find the key to the Master lock.

i'm at that point again where i'm gonna cuss somebody clean thee fuck out...and i'm not gonna feel bad about it.

i'm at that point again where i'm molting....and it feels good.

I Cain't Call It

I want a new drug
One that won't make me sick
One that won't make me crash my car
Or make me feel three feet thick - "I Want A New Drug" Huey Lewis and The News

This morning, I woke up
Feeling brand new and I jumped up
Feeling my highs, and my lows
In my soul, and my goals
Just to stop smokin, and stop drinkin
And I've been thinkin - I've got my reasons
Just to get (by), just to get (by)
Just to get (by), just to get (by) - "Get By" Talib Kweli

Ok, so Huey was referring more to how this Love thing makes him feel and Talib was speaking more about the actual addiction but I find them appealing in explaining how I feel. As of lately, the things that used to make me feel good or get me by just don't anymore -like they did. It's not really about getting higher or drunker in the literal sense but just....
"Greasing the grind" is a term I use to describe the process of finding the balance of your life and work. If "the daily grind" is the workweek then you're gonna need something to either make that grind less an actual grind or find something to make it seem worthwhile. And such, the things you do in your free time is your grease: whatever helps you to get back to the desk on Monday feeling that you have a life beyond work and responsibilities.
Now, I find that lately my grease is not as effective as it once was. Maybe I need a better grade. Maybe I need a better viscosity. Maybe I have the wrong kind. Either way, this ain't cuttin it. Please don't get me wrong, I live a great life to which if I told you certain stories you wouldn't believe me. I love my life. It's that those things that would help get me over the hump aren't as effective. Here's an example. I love to dance. This is no Step It Up 78 or even Nia Peeples Party Machine...the music moves me and I move. This is a ritual based in exorcising the negative energies we keep stored in us....and music appreciation. Where you use the vibrations in the music and energies from the people to literally work out the kinks. Even this does not always help and it was formerly a certainty. Watering holes aren't the same. Social events don't scrape at it. Sigh.
Of course there are those who will say you need to find some spiritual grease: meditation or reading some "scriptures" (quotes on purpose) or church, etc. I'm willing to try that. I have in the past...and I certainly believe in the balance. All I know is I'm willing and able to try new, positive things. Because if this grease runs out, the cogs and the ghost in the machine won't like it.

Times like right now...

I have much on my mind these days and I'm having difficulty articulating the thoughts without sounding like I'm rambling. So to spare you the Mobius Strip of my mental journey...I'll leave you with this work. I wrote it awhile back.

Times like right now

It’s times like the very beginning of this poem
When I miss you near
I need to smell that space behind your right ear
I need your body within mine
My chest against your spine
Cold booty…warm crotch
Fall asleep on the couch
Its times like this line in the poem
When your crooked smile reminds me that every mile covered
is worth it…
security gates, long waits in line
red eye, sets too small, babies crying…
its worth it all
I need you closer,
So there is no delay.
When I make my way to the kitchen
and come back…
it’s funny how this room is gonna look in the morning
how do I know?
Its times like this line in the poem when I miss studying you
I actually enjoy homework (now)
Two words…new definition..
Like home training..
You have already met my mama
Been through all the drama already.
All ready?
Already to the line in the poem where I think that
I have stopped thinking about it…
And now feeling it..
Transcribing the simultaneous fleeting,
Beating like my heart when you’ve had your ( fill in the blank)
And I’m working on first.
Again the thirst is quenched
by sweat…glowing, drenched or otherwise wiser now
since this line reminds me we have things to do
as of yet…
do not forget your passport
stamped in all the right places
sun drenched faces in photos
“remember the time we snuck down…”
just grin…keep it inside
I can see it through your eyes
Bright as a Mensa member
We gon take a whole September and instead of watching leaves
fall, we’re going to touch ‘em all
corners and rounded
monuments and mountains
man….
It’s times like this line where I’d rather be interrupted
derailing my train of thought…
“yes, you can model what you just bought.”
No pardon, if I get caught staring
You be wearing it, on and off
Like the lights…I can’t decide
Only if you end up be-side
Because the a-side is scratched and played too much
Plus you like turning it over…
Anyway…any day you say….
Don’t wanna have to schedule off…for va-ca
I just wanna take it and take you
And I’ll keep taking whatever your giving
So I can put this pen down.

In the beginning....

So i was going to post about hip hop and how certain songs changed my life...but in my boredom and fine tuned nap taking abilities, i was reminded that i have ALWAYS been a dj, audiophile and music lover. lemme take you back to the late 70's. (true 80's babies represent). a young lad was given an object that unbeknownst to him would change his life forever. (insert movie trailer voice and echo effect)



yes yes y'all. The Fisher Price Music Box Record Player. this joint was awesome. it came with several records. you could move the arm to/from the record. it wound in the front. there was a spot in the top of the player for you to store the lps. and it was PORTABLE. (cue echo again)



(props to the other bloggers and folks for taking these pics)

so here i am, bumping to the classics as a sound selector. and i would even try to scratch the records. this essentially was me moving the records faster or slower to see what it sounded like... now of course through travel and wear and tear this bad boy had given us service and had to be retired, plus i was much older. so eventually, i had to cop this..



most heads i know and talk to, can totally share stories of owning this beauty. the first plate i put on was Rufus featuring Chaka Khan, straight out of mom's collection. i played a few records from time to time. i have a He-Man storybook that came with a record you could play and read along to. i miss those types of books. as a matter of fact, i still have the player.

with the advent of music videos and such, times were a changing. and lo and behold again, i was blessed with probably one of my favorite possessions:



this magnificent device obviously gave me the control of cassettes and the power to record myself being goofy but most importantly... you could launch it down a flight of stairs and not blink. this durable summbich was built for me. it knew that wherever we were going, it had to be ready for it. this led to me collecting cassettes. anything i could get my hands on. which of course all leads to this...



my baby. at the time for me, if there was a device that made me feel cool, this was it. water resistant, auto reverse (no taking it out to flip it over?!?!?!?!), again - durable. (there's another theme here, lol) this device allowed me to hear the Chili Peppers in 89 (see Sexy Mexican Maid and Pretty Little Ditty), Living Colour, and Songs From the Big Chair. i played Shout until it actually wore out the tape. Enjoy the Silence, also. side note: i miss maxi singles and all that remix gloriousness.

this led to a series of bigger and better....actually, smaller and better players until cds started doing their thing. i share all of that to say this, music has and will always be more than just music to me. it has played a part in my life that is difficult to wrap up in just a few sentences. it's why i'm a music snob bc i have heard some of the best of what vibrations have to offer and will not allow bullshit to just be glossed over and accepted as music. what i didn't realize is how my parents, Fisher Price and technology have made me the man i am today. and before i could get into what music has influenced me...i had to remember how it came to be to me.

Men don't talk

I consider myself lucky to have really good men as friends. I mention it because there is a rumor that men don't talk. I have, on a regular basis, in depth conversations about life and its complications. We just watched a movie "Diary of a Tired Black Man". Obviously, it was shot by a black man. What was refreshing was to see perspectives that I have experienced and witnessed first hand. What struck me about the film was the main character's moment of clarity where he realized that he had a part to play in his unsuccessful relationship. It's easy to blame the other person when things don't work out. But personal accountability is the key...admitting and acknowledging that there is a problem is the first step to getting what it is you exactly want.
There's something to be said about having positive voices and attitudes to help you along the way. Also, to have in the flesh examples of progressive and forward thinking people that you can mirror and reflect upon is invaluable. But just as important is to have an honest base too. These men will tell me the things I need to hear....not the things I want to hear. Offering stories of success as well as failure to give me the view from all sides of the fence...so as to make an "educated" decision.
To the universe and the brothers of 310, I am eternally grateful and humbled, thankful and appreciative. God-Allah-Yahweh-Jehovah.....Universe, thank you.

slightly before sunrise

Its in these moments...
The comfort of you.
The comfortable view.
Your limbs across my frame.
Your breath and snore in my ear.
My hands in your hair.
Your smile and voice before drift.
Lakeside pillows.
Nourishment and comfort.
Finally, rest.

rearview

Pardon me, I had to get this out of my head. Apologies if it doesn't read as fluid.
To paraphrase someone, "It's hard to steal home if you keep looking back at third."
I once lived a life of 'thought before action' and found myself thinking when I should've been feeling. Then I decided to go with flow of life...living in each moment. I then found myself ill prepared for the future. I had given no thought to the step after next.
I wanted to live a life true to myself in every minute; a life of no regrets. Then I tried living life with others in mind. I found myself in regret in both cases.
I say all of that for this. My life is transitioning in a very tangible way-much of which I've asked for. Some of which is, in my opinion, a testament to my faith. Times like these cause me to become even more reflective than usual. The problem I see most often is my inability to accept my mistakes. Prior to the past few years, I wouldn't have given a single solitary fuck. But lately, I find myself more emotionally involved in my life and decisions (contrary to popular belief and appearances). And it has been quite difficult forgiving myself for hurting others, losing jobs, disappointing supporters, etc. These times usually creep when I should be looking forward. But somehow I'm all in my rear view mirror checking on what was passed. When I should be peering through a windshield at the road ahead. I realize the past provides perspective but what will it take for me to get past my past?

end of the map

i have been presented with an opportunity to go/move/proceed in a different direction. i have set a plan for myself mostly from faith. what i mean is that i don't have all the pieces and i have no plan b. i simply know that i made a promise and refuse to disappoint myself. so i must forge ahead. this is by far my biggest goal. knowing that i can do anything i put my mind to...let's go.

we are at the end of the map. it is time to chart a new direction. this path has been charted for those who ever decide to come this way. it is imperative to change directions...there is no more forward here.

i tithe in sweat.

i recently went out dancing as i do and again was befuddled, again, by the human experience. anyone who knows me, knows that i enjoy dancing. i'm not that "step up"-Fatima-choreographer type man who will spin around and do tricks like its some music video. i just move as the music moves me..or however i catch the leg/foot cramps. what is always amazing to me is the levels of progression from empty dance floor (see just me dancing alone in a space) to packed and sweaty.
dancing is a way for me to exorcise my issues. all of the energies i felt throughout the week/the daily grind/setbacks/etc are conjured and released as i move around the floor. also, i open myself to the vibrations. certain bpms and bass lines compel me to move. i see it in the crowd and their faces when the night begins. people either don't want to be the first and don't wanna be the last on the floor. but if everybody thinks this way, when will they get up? i see chairs grinding, heads swaying and even those who happen to be standing are starting to feel it....but no one is making their way to the floor. then there is the "i don't know that song so....." so what?!?!? doesn't EVERY song actually start that way. once you hear it enough times and become familiar with it then whats the excuse? no one to dance with. AND?!?!?
i dunno. i come out to party. i'm not here to be seen/recognized/get pics taken. i try not to show up fashionably late b/c by the time you get a beverage and make your way to a good glow...the party is over. i also dance as a way of gratitude to the djs/sound selectors. just as in a concert, they feed off the energies of the crowd. you give, they give. so now here we are, a packed floor. those who chose all night to get warmed up to get their 'groove on' have no place to go. i say don't fight it. just go with it. go grease your grind. thanks for listening.

asterisk

i once had a friend whom i named asterisk. actually it was more a physical motion denoting the asterisk. she earned this name due to many times in conversation she cited herself the exception when i would make a point about people, women, black folks, educated people, etc. well, long story short, i ruined our relationship...twice. to this day she doesn't speak to me and i find no blame or problem in that. however, there are some things she needs to know...rather i have some things to say that i never told her.
the main reason i gave her the name is bc despite my attempts to not fall in love with my friend, i did. she became "the exception". i love my friends, but we had developed a bond over time and i found myself emotionally receptive. i tried fighting it through avoidance and denial but despite my mind and words, my actions showed opposite. i chose to end our relationship mostly bc i was afraid to be honest about how i truly felt. instead of holding ground and stating my feelings, i ran.
i miss her often due to the pages of insides jokes that arise when i'm going about my day or traveling through the city. i know that she may never forgive me. i have resigned that i may never speak to her again. i just had to get these thoughts, literally, off my chest.

TRex with a laptop

so, i'm a teller at a bank and they allow us to play a radio in the lobby. this helps pass the time and since its 70-80 rock, you may find yourself humming along. in the middle of one of the songs, my manager commented on how he couldnt remember the name of the band. my coworker, standing near me, shook his head and stated that he had no idea who the band was. when asked and without looking up from my monitor i replied, "the Police".
the night prior, i watched the crew of american idol comment on how the nowyounger contestants didnt know Beatles songs they had to cover.
When i was coming up through school i was always younger than my mates. over the past several years i have found a migration to being the oldest in the room. the problem, i find is several fold.

1:my musical taste has always been slightly older and a bit more eclectic than my age-mates. which presents me with having a wider musical palette, and
2: perspective. perspective in music (see being able to call bullshit when i hear shitty songs), in everything. do you realize that some of us will be the last ones to know life without the internet. for others its like always been there. i am lucky to have been witness and lived through the evolution of useful technology. this has provided me with
3: patience. not to sound like my parents, but life was not as easy nor as fast. you had to work and or wait for things. objects could not be accessed so easily. this made you appreciate your goal/things/prize even more. but we learned how to wait. but in a world where a click can send you anywhere, you dont have to talk to people to get things you want, and delivery is a right-not a privilege...who's gonna take the wait? (sorry, that one was for me)
4: i have always had to adapt and evolve bc times and things were a-changing....so thinking and moving on the fly are second nature. when you've worked for folks who have to investigate instead of fix problems...this can make for frustrating environments.
we are the bridge from school to nu school. who's gonna get them to know about their artistic potential? or how the treasures of the "school" has influenced what they like and who they are.
these posts are dedicated to all the music that made me.